13 going on 30

I used to pride myself as being more mature than some of my peers. While others are painting the town red on weekend night and enjoying their youth, I would rather spend time with my family or my books. I can hear loud protests of labeling me as a mugger (in case mugger is a label only used by my school, it refers to nerds who are busy studying). When some of my peers are purely enjoying their dates as novelty, I always view dates as a way to know the other person and to determine if he is my soul mate. Ok, now I can hear louder protests as this being old fashioned rather than a sign of maturity. Strangely, as I grow older, I feel as if my maturity level has stagnated or progressed at a slower rate than my physical aging.

When I look around now, my peers have become mothers or hold high positions in their jobs. Then I look at myself back, I am still like when I have just graduated. I hold an officer role (with a long distance from managerial role), nowhere near where you would have defined as a high flyer. I am still single with doubts of my ability to take care of another person, much less a family. While some of my friends have started to undertake responsibility to maintain a household, to nurture the next generation and to lead their corporate team to greater heights, I feel slightly daunted at the thought of being put in the same position as them.

You may console me as this being a sign of humility or even diffidence. Perhaps. However, I see this as a sign of my lagging maturity, especially in relation to my aging body.

This deficiency is more in-my-face symptom when I look at myself in the mirror. What used to be tout skin with slightly slanting oriental eyes is now changed. The eyes are no longer slanting but are drooping. The crows’ feet spread out like a web around my eyes. The laugh lines sank deeper. More white hair sprouted and at faster rate than I could count. Suddenly, I felt like a teenager trapped inside a mature body. It certainly takes more than a while to sink in this realization.

Again I drown in this worry of wasting my time on earth and not achieving anything meaningful. Suddenly, spending 5 days a week and more than 10 hours a day in office frustrate me. It seems to be taking time away from me to doing things I should be doing. Wait, calm down. This should be happening to all people. Am I making a mountain out of a moleshill?

Breathe. Deep breathe.

While I get used to the physical age, I should do more to ensure that my emotional, my mental and maturity age follow in tandem. This is yet another alarm clock to warn me not to waste any minute I am given. It should start now.